I don’t know when the dreams began. It was a woman at first. Displaying herself in front of me, trying to convince me that they aren’t all bad. My curiosity kept me asleep, wanting to learn more about the dream. I always woke up before full revelation. I remember the shadows of her fingers caressing my face. Telling me that everything is going to be alright. She told me that man’s bestial desire is a cloaked in a world of chaos. Spontaneity and not knowing what happens next is next is the excitement that causes people to explore, to try to new things, to live… to love.
The shadows felt so good. So warm. So caring. So gentle. If only my mother was as warm, gentle and caring, I might not have become a monster. The woman began to caress herself. Showing me how to touch a woman without a knife. It seemed so trivial, yet her fingers had purpose. She began to breathe slower and deeper. The hair on her arm standing straight up – goose bumps. Medically, I would say this is arousal. Her fingers went lower, and lower, finally revealing her most delicate areas. She removed her laced panties and began to touch…
Wriggling and wreathing, with no pattern. No sense of order, yet a symphony for the trained eye. So much gracefulness, and fluidity, from the deep. What is the connection? I don’t understand it. I have been taught to live by the rules of a society. Logic, law, order – essential for the masses. Without it there is no purpose – only vices. Why this creature? What are my dreams trying to tell me? Why the tentacle symbolism? So many fucking questions and absolutely no answers. Why are my dreams haunting me in such a fashion? Even a question is answered with a question… this is madness.
The tentacles are such a delicate delight thought. Such a pure flesh; strong flesh. Purpose in design. Suction cups for superior grip. No bones for superior flexibility. A valuable asset to have, no doubt about it. And creatures of the deep have eight or so of them. Fascinating. What is the symbolism for me? More fucking questions. I keep having the same dreams over and over. I keep getting the same questions with no answers over and over. I can’t withstand this torture… this is insanity.
As long as I remember, I had these dreams. On my free time, I would study the creatures of the sea; creatures from the deep. I found no answers there. I knew that Cheliax was a very pious society. I studied religion, in particular, diablerie. I found no answers there. Such order and hierarchy. Their answers to chaos is to stamp it out with an iron fist. This has to have some meaning to me. Then I came across one book in a library. Seemingly by random. For no reason at all, the book leapt out at me as if it found me, rather than me finding it.
It was a language I had never seen before. The librarian didn’t even know this book was in the collection. I have seen this symbol before. These tendrils… could also be tentacles. That face, a creature of the deep… I asked the librarian if I could take it home. He said that I could have it. He said that it isn’t in any of his catalogues and would only cause grief if found to be… out of order.
A knock came on my door one day. A simple robed man. It was really weird, it was as if no matter where he was, his cloak shadowed out his face. No matter. I remember asking this man if he would like some tea. He didn’t speak one word. He only sat down and sipped his tea. This man was trying my patience. I typically only kill whores. But I could make an exception every once in a while. The book, however, caught his attention too. He looked upon me, and said the word, “Aklo.” I begged his pardon. “Aklo,” he repeated.
That’s it… I walked into my kitchen area and grabbed a meat carving knife. “Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn.” What?!? I have heard that before. Those whispers…
I ran over to this man and pointed the knife into his face. I demanded that he tell me where he heard this. How does he know what is whispered to me in my dreams? Who the fuck is he? Why is this happening to me? Gods be damned, more and more questions. So much fucking unknown… this is driving me crazy.
He removed his hood… I wished he hadn’t.
I awoke after meeting him. Did I meet him? Was this real? By the Gods, more questions without answers. My world began swirling before me. I fell down with vertigo. Feeling nauseous, I crawled to my bed. I pulled my way onto it and tried to lay down, but I could only move my limbs and not my body. I was flailing about as if my limbs were… tentacles.
I passed out. I don’t know how long. I was stuck in the dream with the woman caressing, her… self. The whispers then snapped me out of it. They began translating everything. It was if these voices were teaching me? I paid attention. I took sedatives to remain asleep. I needed to learn. I needed to figure this out. I needed to know. I need! Gods be damned I need to know! I can’t take this anymore. I want to kill myself. These fucking dreams I have, these fucking whispers I hear, these fucking urges I have, the pain I endure, the childhood I had, the life I live, what is the meaning of all of this!?!?
Knocking on my door woke me up. It was people from my clinic. They said I hadn’t been to work for 3 days. THREE DAYS!?! Had I been sleeping for three days? They were relieved I was alive. They noticed the book from the library on a table in my study. They saw that it was opened. Did I open it? I can’t remember. I am so unsure of everything now. They looked at the words as if it were chicken scratch. They jokingly said, “You can understand such nonsense?” I looked at a page and said, “Oh yeah, it says here ‘there can be no law without chaos,’ which is…” I paused. What did I just say? I looked at the page again… I understood it. I could read it! I was speechless. I was confused. I looked up at my coworkers…
“Well, we know you are all right at least. There has been a virus going about. Take it easy Grigori. Come back to work when you feel better.” They left. I sat down. It was with a thump. I didn’t even try to catch myself. I flopped onto the chair, with a blank stare at my wall. I remembered the tentacle man. I remember the tentacle woman. I remember my descent into madness. Swirled by chaos, tickled by insanity, caressed with madness… and I learned “Aklo.”
I received a letter from a messenger boy saying my practice needed my help. A very large man needed detoxification. Guess it is time to go back to work. Maybe the truth will reveal itself one day.